| Me: Born - 1946, Hartford, CT of relatively normal parents...With loving
sister 5 years older than I, although she's younger than me now.
 Farmington, CT
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My dad died in 1956 of a heart attack (he was 51, I was just 10).
Very unexpected at the time. He appeared very healthy. But
he smoked, our diet was heavy on fatty stuff and light on veggies. His
father had also died prematurely of the same malady. Too bad we didn't
know then what we know now. My father was a extraordinary person, filled
with quiet wisdom in spite of an eighth grade education. He had had
to drop out of school to help support his family when his dad died.
He read the classics on his own - we had a great library at home, and
I still have his slide rule. One of my treasures.
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At the time of his death, we had a small construction business with
about 10 employees, about half of which were african-american. His
second in command was black, and I never once heard a racist remark from
my father about anyone. At eight, I couldn't figure out what the fuss
was about with the desegregation stuff down south.
I still miss him.
West Hartford, CT - 1958
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My mother had been badly shaken by dad's death and .moved us to the new town
to be nearer her family. My sister and I weren't particularly happy about
the move - leaving all our friends behind. It was for me a bit of a
culture shock. Farmington was semi-rural, the new town (at least where
we lived) was suburban, with a high percentage of Jewish Hartford expatriots.
Hard driving, intellectual, strange...It felt "cliquey" at the time,
but perhaps my perception was clouded by my shyness. At any rate, I
made a couple friends. George Vinick was my intellectual soulmate and fellow
pariah. Paul Guilmette was a neighbor and adventurer - read Hellion...
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I loved science! Even at 12, I spent many hours in my basement lab,
doing chemistry experiments. Of course, being a semi-normal kid, I
managed to blow myself up a couple of times, but didn't lose anything important,
and certainly gained a reputation in school!. Surprisingly, my mother didn't
crack down too much. When I took the Chemistry SAT (without taking
the High School course), I scored 784. I'm still trying to figure out
what question I got wrong.
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My sister went off to College in '59. My mother and I didn't get along
too well. It wasn't that she was a bad mom, but it seemed to me that
I could never please her. I have "inherited" that trait from her, but
I try to compensate. Sometimes it works - sometimes not.
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My mother remarried in 1962. Very ordinary guy, with very ordinary
thoughts. I didn't care for or against him. We co-existed in
separate worlds. I was clearly smarter than he was, and we both knew
it.
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My mom died of Cancer in 1963 . A long, unpleasant illness. In
retrospect, I'm very glad that she had a new husband, because I didn't offer
her much support. My resentment of her, and my typical teenage angst,
made me a very lousy son, I wish I could go back, to thank her for
the love and sacrifices she made. It's too bad wisdom comes well after
the lessons...
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I moved in with my sister and her new husband until I went off to RPI. She
had quit school to marry this guy -an artist-student several years older
than she. Put him through grad school. They were divorced after
about 6 years.
The School Years
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Rensselaer Poly - I entered majoring
in chemistry, but quickly changed to Physics. I was really looking
for the answers to all my philosophical questions on the nature of reality,
having lost my belief in a god when my dad died. The trouble is, Physics
seemed too much like chemistry - merely creating artificial models to explain
observations.
By my Junior year, I was depressed and alone, and having some academic
difficulties for the first time in my life..I was taking courses that required
heavy duty memorization, something that I have always done poorly. (I
had actually flunked German in High School, even though spending as much
time on it as all my other subjects combined.) As long as I can figure
stuff out logically, I can get by. I have an extraordinary "empathy"
with the corporeal world and its dynamics.
George Washington University
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I transferred to G.W., and changed my major to Mechanical Engineering.
Hey, if all we're going to do is create models of the universe, why
not deal directly with the real stuff?
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Really, I moved to fix some of the things in my real life. My best
friend from High School, George, was there, and the people promised to be
more "alive" than at RPI. Frankly, RPI people seemed boring and narrow.
Actually, there were quite a few interesting people in the RPI
Freshman class, but they all left for different schools, too!
At GW, I lived in a mixed-sex (something definitely new) apartment with some
strange and wonderful characters. The period was 1967-1969 - the "Vietnam"
years. Exciting, political, philosophical, especially in
the center of the storm, Washington, DC. We were counter-culture, without
being "hippies", although we did do our share of dope. Without worshiping
it.
I fell into my first Love. Crazy, unrequited, tragic. It
was more that she actually accepted me as I was. A stark contrast
(it seemed to me) to my mother. After the breakup, I was in very deep depression
for a while. The usual "learning experience" that almost everyone has
experienced
.
At GW, I learned to open up my mind. But I still didn't have "The
Answer"...I quit GW, lacking just 6 credits for graduation. Just rebellious
and tired, I guess.
Back home
I moved back in with my sister - she was divorced by now, and I took a job
as a mechanic/technical designer with some people I had met during my summer
jobs as a mechanic. I had become a bit of a (sophisticated) gear head.
A sports car nut. Times change...
My Spiritual/Psychological Journey
After a couple of years marking time, I felt desperate to find a reason for
it all. Life felt quite empty to me. I left my job in the classic
quest to find it, and myself. I headed west, hoping to find answers
in some other place.
Somehow the answers were all with women. Maybe I'm trying to make it
up to my mother. Maybe I just find that women have more wisdom. Maybe I'm a sucker for a pretty face...
I
met B.J.in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
I had stopped there to visit Georges sister, Carol.
She (B.J., that is) was travelling west to a San
Francisco weaving apprenticeship, and I
offered to let her hitch as far as
Denver, where I was going north. She would find a ride
to 'Frisco from there.
B.J. taught me the obvious. That I alone had the power to change my
life. She also showed me that there were different ways of looking
at reality and the nature of mind. I took up Yoga. The mental
discipline brought my mind a sense of calm that I hadn't experienced
in many years, and a gratitude for what really is.
I met Cathy while taking a Philosophy course
at the University of Hartford. She was a full time student - I was
about 30. She stood out from the rest with an extraordinarily intelligent
in both philosophy and real life. I was too shy to ask her out until
the last day of class. She accepted. But she was already involved
with an artist (she was one also), and so our relationship was weak and limited
to a few dinners and talks. She moved in with the other guy.
Just to make things complicated, 3 years later I got a call at 2 AM.
"Hi, this is Cathy." She explained that she had broken out of
what had become an abusive relationship - and really was not happy
with men. I should have suspected that at this time in her life, I
probably couldn't have change her bad feelings. But, it was worth a try...
We went out several times. Now, with more maturity, Kathy was even
more extraordinary. But her insights were tinged with bitterness. And
I am not perfect after all. I could not give her what she was looking
for. I was devastated, certainly more than I should have been for such
a short relationship.
J. The
most extraordinary person I've ever met. She was attractive,
but not unusually so, but her "spiritual" presence had people following her
around, bathing in the glow of her intelligence and unconditional love.
After a couple of hours of conversation, I thought to myself,
"I could marry this woman." I didn't tell her that right away, but
I did after about a month. Unfortunately, that wasn't what she wanted
to hear. She was already being harassed by her former husband, her
old boyfriend, and another old flame. Too much pressure - I was exactly
what she didn't want then. Time for both of us to cool off.
Shrink city. This time, I decided to use the
pain to sort out some of my psychological mmmm... quirks. I worked on
the guilt of abanddoning my mother, and tried to ingrain in myself the belief
that she, indeed, did loved me. Something that I knew in my rational mind
already. My work, unfortunately, had taken the better part of a year,
and by the time I felt worthy of Jill, she was already going out with someone
else (who she married about a year later). As painful as the whole
episode was, I don't regret any of it. Life goes on, and pain is a
always a part of our most signicant growth. The biggest problem I have
experienced since then is my standards for a mate have become unrealistic.
To paraphrase Woody Allen's words, "I wouldn't go to a party that would
invite me as a guest." Fortunately, I am very happy leading the solitary
life.
More to come...
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